If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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