he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
