Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need moral support for this bender
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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