I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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