someone threw a dead crab at me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
