Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
