You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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