so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
