I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
