you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize