I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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