Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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