True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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