why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
