the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
