you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
