my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
