i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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