my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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