Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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