I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
