ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
