I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
