Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
