this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
