I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
