how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
