I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
