ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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