a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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