I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
