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I saw his package. It spoke to me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize