Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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