I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
