her vagine was all disorganized.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
