so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
