you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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