Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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