The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize