"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
