wanna go halves on a baby?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
