He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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