the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize