Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize