that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
