this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We need to rekindle our bromance
Come see our sink grown plant.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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