god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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