the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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