Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Randomize
