You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
