seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
