This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
