i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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