I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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