I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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