I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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