life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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