My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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