Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
