I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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