were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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