He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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