Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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